When we were younger, after Mia had died, I did this thing.
I imagined all of the people I loved dead.
Systematically, I went through each loved one.
I have continued this weird evaluation ever since.
I imagined how it would feel to lose you many times.
If I love you, I have imagined how I would feel if you died.
I pictured the immediate and I pictured the future.
It's not even a conscious thing anymore, it's just a weird tic, a gigantic cry for help, a defense mechanism from the horror of losing a piece of the fabric that holds me together.
I have to admit, my imagination must be awful. I never mustered up the shattering heartbreak that is you being gone.
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