Stressstressstress

I have been having  a really hard time getting in control of my stress for the past few weeks. Getting a puppy really is like having a small child... and on top of a high needs toddler and a baby... I have really been losing my shit.
I do love Koda... he is such a good dog. But he has definitely made life a lot more hectic and stressful than I anticipated... of course, it's not really his fault, he is just a puppy, but having to constantly be on top of Kieran to QUIT HITTING, STOP YELLING IN HIS FACE, DON'T TAKE HIS TOYS, STAY OUT OF THE CAGE, DON'T BUG HIM WHILE HE'S EATING, and (my favorite... not) QUIT RUNNING IN CIRCLES GETTING HIM WORKED UP UNTIL HE TRIES TO BITE.  Or taking my newly walking baby out of the kitchen over and over and over because he keeps trying to take a bath in the puppy's water bowl.... I feel like I am drowning in stress.
I know this won't last long. He is already learning our house rules and he is so good.
I'm trying to learn to breathe... I am trying so hard to quit screaming at my kids. But the more I try to stay calm, the more Kieran pushes and pushes and tests my limits, my boundaries, seeing what he can get away with... just FLAT OUT IGNORING ME or BEING OPENLY DEFIANT... and then I find myself screaming and doling out time outs and dragging him over to the step to sit over and over and over.
I lay awake at night, wanting to cry about how I yelled at my sweet little boy. My bright, curious, sunshine of a boy. My little man, who is just figuring this world out, who gets so lost in himself that sometimes, after the fact, I wonder if he really was being defiant, like I thought, or if he was just too wrapped up in his own thoughts and curiosity that I wasn't even penetrating the thin veil I sometimes think lays between us.  If maybe he wasn't ignoring an order, if maybe he didn't comprehend, if maybe the need to find out what would happen or how something works or to just complete the action that my words barely scratched the surface of his world.
Is he going to grow up to resent me? Am I dimming his light? Am I being too harsh? Am I expecting too much, am I not doing enough, does he need more help, do I need to back off? When I smacked his hand away from the outlet, did the sting last longer in his heart... how do I stress that some things are dangerous, that they will hurt him, possibly badly? How do I teach him to be a kind, gentle, respectful young man when I feel like all I do is scream and threaten and discipline? How do other moms stay so calm.. What am I doing wrong?
On Sunday morning, we have an appointment to fill out paperwork with a specialist. She is going to determine whether or not Kieran falls on the autism spectrum. I don't know what I think. I don't know what I feel. I am overwhelmed. I am crying a lot.
I've started to pray again.
I've been taking a lot of my anger and frustration out in my workouts. It's the only time I feel calm.. after I've laid it all out in my workout. I just wish the feeling would last.
The past few days his tantrums have been... unbelievable. I think he scared his speech therapist. I never know how best to calm him down. I feel so helpless. If I could take all of his heartache, his frustration, his fear, his ball of emotions that make him UPSET....I would.
But when he SHINES.... oh my word.
This boy steals my heart more everyday.
I am going to get through this rough patch. We are all going to get through this and when we do, it is going to be wonderful. I am going to sweat it out. I am going to learn to stay calm while he storms. I am going to swallow my fear and make him feel safe. I am going to go to sleep tonight knowing I did everything I could to help him.
And soon, this happy face will be happy MOST OF THE TIME again.

Flex Friday & Fighting Back

FLEX FRIDAY!

So I have been back at my 21 Day Fix Extreme! I am still struggling with the nutrition-- on top of it mostly BUT I have been falling off the wagon on and off and I have been feeling myself getting discouraged over and over and over. 

There's always that voice in the back of my head that doubts me, that brings me down, that tells me it's okay to SKIP a workout or INDULGE in that greasy pizza. 

Sometimes I listen to it. 

BUT MOST OF THE TIME I DON'T! And I am proud to say that I can see results from my MOST OF THE TIMES more than I see what I SOMETIMES do. I have NEVER had my arms look like this! I am always so focused on legs & abs that my arms are forgotten. I know that I am STRONG and to be able to SEE that strength in these pictures makes my heart happy....

Now, my abs may have gone a little to the wayside with some of my binges (I am going to be in control of those by the end of this year, I swear it! I am more focused & determined every day. Food will NOT control me ANYMORE. It will NOT!),  but I am going to be whipping those back to their former glory both in my workouts and in the kitchen this month. 

I know that this is going to be hard for me. I have never really been in complete control when it comes to food.... I either have gone overboard, barely surviving with what I ate and running off whatever I did eat... and then eventually CRASHING and BINGING on 4 bowls of ice cream, cereal, sandwiches, an entire pizza, an entire pack of cookie dough and then crying myself to sleep that night because I felt like a disgusting failure and gross human being. 

NO MORE. 

It has been a long time now since I have DEPRIVED myself of food (since finding out I was pregnant with my first son...). I swore I would never teach my kids those unhealthy habits.

So I make sure I eat good foods in front of them.

But bedtime, naptime, sneaking off in the kitchen alone time.... I feel like there is a monster living inside of me and I can't get enough, I eat until I am so full I can barely think. Oblivion. 

I will be stronger than that  monster soon, 

I am stronger everyday. 

And my babies won't ever meet this monster--- if I can't be stronger than him for me--- I can for them. 

He best be scared of those guns ^ ;) . <3 

Cause these two studs are making me stronger every single day. 

21 Day Fix Extreme... Trial and Error and Try Again

I have recently been attempting the 21 Day Fix Extreme.
I say 'attempting' because I haven't been sticking to the meal plan... at all. I haven't made it through one full day in the past 3 weeks, which is all the program is supposed to last in the first place!
I have been doing the workouts fine... they are comparable to Insanity Max:30, although I find Max:30 slightly more challenging, maybe because I need to up my weights for 21DFX? I'm not sure.

I have skipped a few days of working out here and there though.
I still have not been running, and I have been getting that itch to go again.
I can feel the weight sitting in my gut, dragging me down, making my soul feel heavy and my body ache.
I don't want to feel that way anymore, I want to feel light and energetic.
I want to have my float back.

So I am recommitting to this program.
I know that the meal plan and portion control is IMPORTANT if I want any actual results!
I am tired of falling off the wagon and I am tired of being complacent in my results (and not getting any results when I know I am working my muscles still!)

I am prepping my head this week, prepping my fridge, and sticking to it 100% for the entirety of this program.
I am ready to succeed!
If you want to join me, fill out the application below:
https://jaimeefreyermuth.wufoo.com/forms/m6krcnr03jze1f/

#beachbodycoach #21dayfixextreme #challengegroup #doitforYOU