DISCLAIMER: *I would like to start this off by saying: PPD is nothing to take lightly. While my case was not severe enough that I felt I needed medication, there is no shame whatsoever if you do. If you ever feel the urge to self-harm or harm others, or if you have trouble coping to the point of disrupting your life, please call your midwife or OB, and do what you need. This is my experience, and I share in case it might help someone like me.*
As I grow closer and closer to the due date of my third baby, I've been reflecting a lot on how I felt at the end of my second pregnancy.... of how I felt after I had him....
These pictures were taken at about five days post-partum from my second son.
I remember trying so hard to get back to normal, as soon as I could. I didn't really allow myself much grace in trying to adjust to my new life as a mom of two.
I put on a pretty happy face though, because I wanted so much for everything to just be.... perfect.
I started working out at three days PP.... I was desperate to get back to the way I looked and felt in the months prior to getting pregnant with him. The weight didn't come off the way it did with my first, even though I had been much more active with my second pregnancy than my first and had nowhere near as much to lose.
More than that.... I felt very overwhelmed with life in general. I was lonely. It's a lot harder to pack up two kids under 2 years old than it was to pack up one baby, so I didn't go out a lot. There were issues in my family that made it a lot harder for my mom to get out than it had been with my first.
I think, in general, there was just much less of a fuss than there was with my first baby. Maybe that was my fault, but I just felt very alone.
Drew worked a lot and we hadn't gotten my older son's diagnosis of being on the autism spectrum yet (not for almost a whole year yet still), and his meltdowns baffled me and I felt a sense of guilt, like I was somehow failing him as a parent but I didn't know why.
I cried every single day.
And I took a lot of my anger and hurt at feeling so alone out on Drew.... I wanted someone else to blame for how I was feeling.
Luckily, he's an amazing guy, and even when I was raging against him and said things that probably hurt him, and even though we went through some pretty knock-down crazy fights in those months.... bottom line was, he supported me and he loved me through it, even though I know he didn't understand my outbursts and tears a lot of the time.
I wanted to just... feel better. I didn't actually recognize my feelings as what they were symptoms of for a long time. I felt so much crushing guilt at not being deliriously happy and at not soaking in the time with my second son fully. I felt like there was something wrong with me, and I just wanted to be normal. I took a lot of happy pictures and hid my emotional crap from the world.
This was one of the only raw emotional photos I have of me from those first months:
I kept on working out... and I kept on feeling like crap. I hated the way I looked. I hated the way I felt. I just wanted to feel connected. Most of the time I hid my face. I didn't want people to see me, because I hated seeing me.
So... then I saw this coach from Beachbody posting about Insanity Max:30. The results from the infomercials were incredible. I decided I was going to buy it.
I posted in a mom's group on Facebook that I was in, asking about any results that people might have. One of the moms was in something she called a "challenge group," and she added me to it.
There was this incredible community of people in this group... people who all were working on bettering themselves, all who were pushing play on these workouts and pushing themselves to their limits. It was so inspiring to me, when I wanted to quit, I would get a notification with a picture of someone's sweaty selfie and new personal best.
I felt my body starting to change, and as that happened.... I felt my attitude starting to change as well.
I felt happier. I felt more confident. I craved conversation and instead of feeling awkward about it.... I sought it out. I started reconnecting with friends. I laughed more. I was nicer to Drew. I enjoyed my kids more... I enjoyed everything more.
And so I decided that I needed to pay this forward. If working out with a community of people online as opposed to doing this thing on my own could honestly make this much of a difference in my life, in my personal well-being.... how could I not want to be a part of this?
It wasn't just about the feel-good endorphins that working out intensely released. It wasn't just about the results that I saw that were unlike any that I had ever achieved before. It was about the people who believed in me when I didn't believe in myself.
It was about having someone tell me that I can do it, even when I don't want to. It was about being able to be myself, work out with my kids, set an example, and know that I had people that would hold me accountable.
This company, the community of people, the programs..... they helped me help myself. They helped me enjoy my life post-baby again. They helped me feel like I was part of something.
You don't have to battle your demons alone. You don't have to stay stuck in a rut of disliking yourself. You don't have to just deal with it.
Find something that you love, find something that you can believe in... whether it's with beachbody or with anything else that makes you feel human.
I believe that you can. Because I've been there and I believe in you, too.
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