I have also learned.... more than I ever dreamed I could learn, more than I thought that I NEEDED to learn, more than I knew existed.
Here's the deal: I have TWO children (and one on the way.)
One child is typical-- although admittedly very high-energy, mischievous, silly, and wild.
One child is on the autism spectrum. He is also high-energy, mischievous, silly, and wild. Added onto that list for my high-functioning autistic child are: food aversions, fear of loud noises, unusual disregard to dangers posed by traffic and water, seeking 'deep input pressures' by hitting himself or running into things head-on at full speed, meltdowns that come on in grocery stores, churches, long lines, or any time he is uncomfortable with a certain situation.
I LOVE MY CHILDREN EQUALLY AND TO THE ENDS OF THE UNIVERSE.
Let me make that very clear.
But how do you parent two children who are SO similar but so WILDLY different and not seem as though you are using favoritism?
There are behaviors that I am tolerant of in my child with special sensory needs that I am not as patient with in my typical child.
There are things that I have to evaluate from a different perspective. Then I need to change gears again. And again. And again.
Sometimes I don't know if I am doing this right.... but I am doing my best every day.
When you have more than one child, you learn that each child is different, and that you have to adjust certain parenting techniques accordingly. I truly believe that is true of all families, not just mine.
But when you also factor in special needs, the game changes.
How do I make sure that I am giving my older son everything he needs while not letting my younger son feel like he is somehow getting the short end of the stick with my attention and energy?
How do I explain that my older son doesn't have to eat the spaghetti because of his sensory issues but that my younger son does have to eat it and can't have veggie straws and fruit pouches for dinner just because his big brother is?
How do I explain that having a tantrum because he wants a piece of candy is unacceptable when he just watched me sit on the floor of a grocery store rocking his older brother because somebody's "swishy pants" made him feel like his head was being ripped apart?
How do I tell him that, even though he is younger, sometimes he needs to buck up and behave so that I don't go completely insane on a trip to the bank because I know his older brother is going to struggle with behavior?
The truth is.... I'm not sure how to do all of these things.
But this is what I do every day to try:
* I tell both of my kids that I love them. Over and over and over again.
* I include my younger child in ALL of my older child's therapy activities... to an extent. (Doing flashcards? He gets a small stack. Practicing sitting still? He gets a reward too. Stacking blocks? You bet your ass he gets a few to build with.)
* They eat meals at the same time. Even if they aren't eating the same things, I am firm about meal time and that they do need to eat. (I have actually noticed my older son showing more interest in foods that his younger brother eats now... which was not expected but nice bonus.)
* They nap and go to bed at the same time, and I do the same sensory routine with my younger son that I do with my older son. This is because the sensory routine I have with my son is mainly deep pressure--- lots of huge squeezes on his feet and hands and bear hugs. Does my younger son need this to sleep? No. But he does need to know that I love him just as much.
* We talk about meltdowns and tantrums when we get home in the same tone of voice. "This is what happened. This is why I would like for you to try to stay calm. This is why that isn't okay." ( I really TRY not to lose my shit. With either of them. I am not always good at that, and we have spent some car rides in me having my own tantrum and then apologizing. )
I began doing all of these things very consciously......... after I had poured my heart and soul, my whole energy, into trying to figure out how this autism parenting worked, what I should be doing to help my older son. I looked up "Sensory Processing Disorder," I joined support groups on Facebook, I talked to his Occupational & Speech therapists, I learned about special tools and tips to help with meltdowns. I made peace with his food aversions and continued to try new ways to introduce new foods. I taught him more signs. I did all of the "sensory diets" that were recommended to us.
I spent so much energy.... and then I ended up with this heavy, back-breaking, crushing guilt.... because, while I can recite all of these accomplishments of my older son's... from his first 2 word string, to the first time he ate a chicken nugget, to tolerating an itchy tag in his shirt, to not running off an entire trip in Target.... I had neglected to document my younger son's accomplishments. I hadn't stopped to think about what he should be doing, where his physical milestones should be at.... I missed pediatrician appointments and I looked up one day and he was walking.
See... his birthday is October 10th. Which happened to be right in the whirlwind of the contacting the special insurances to get my older son's therapy started, job changes, and emotional craziness.
And for my younger son's first birthday.... I dropped the ball. I called my own mother in tears 4 days beforehand, panicked because I had done nothing. His brother got the elaborate themed party... that I planned a month in advance and rented a hall for (that, incidentally, ended up being almost snowed out.), that his grandparents drove in from out of state for.... and my second son got a lemon cake (I misread the flavor because I just saw that it was yellow) in our living room while his big brother napped and his dad and I sang to him.
That's when it really hit me that I was going to have to learn how to be a better parent. That all parents struggle with balancing more than one child, but that I was going to really have to learn how to juggle, how to grow as a person, how to not just love them equally on the inside, but make sure that they know that they are both so amazing and important and special to me by showing it and stepping it up on the outside.
I realized my friends were only asking me about my first son's accomplishments. I also realized that's because it was where I always directed the conversation.
So I had to work to change the conversation. I had to bring up both of their accomplishments. I had to remember to include.
I have to learn every day how to be patient with both children. I have to learn a different type of patience and tolerance. I have to learn to express my love and focus my attention equally. In some ways, it's natural. In some ways, it's easy.
And in some ways, I will never stop learning. I will never stop adjusting my views. I will never stop failing.... and overcoming my failures to try to be a better parent.
I can only hope that, when they are grown and on their own, they can look back and know that I was always trying my best to love them both in the way that they need. And that I always will.
